The word “Soul” in the O.T. means thoughts, feelings, personality characteristics, needs and desires. In other words, spirituality and sexuality are intertwined. We get married to experience the best in terms of closeness to God and each other. Each interaction you have with each other results in a complex cascade of neurotransmitters and hormones that impact every dimension of our life. Experiences of love draw us closer to each other and to God, and actually impact our immune system. One 30-minute conflict can result in negatively impacting our immune system. It takes a full 24 hours for the immune system to recover. Imagine what happens to our soul, our body when there is daily conflict or strife! We need to take time for each other and God. Here is a suggested ritual to do once per week. Modify and change any way you want. Some couples will have a daily time in the morning or evening to meet and follow these suggested steps.
1. Buy one journal that is devoted to the two of you, and for this time together. Buy 1 book that you would like to read together. It could be a devotional, one year through the Bible, or a topical book on marriage, marital communication, forgiveness, etc.
2. Set a time once per week for 30 minutes that you both protect and do not change. Begin on time and end on time. Stopping and starting are good skills to know. When to start talking about an issue and when to stop the discussion.
3. Begin with prayer and end with prayer. When you decide to talk about a difficult issue it is good to agree to start with prayer and end with prayer. It makes both people mindful that God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit is right there within you and all around you.
4. Tell each other 2-3 things that you love about the other person. Thank them for something they did that made your day easier, or something that you noticed them doing for a family member, or to help out the business. Practicing thankfulness, expressing love and appreciation help form strong bonds in the marriage. When one person is expressing the positives the other person is writing them down in the journal. When we write it engages the frontal cortex, and we listen better to what the other person is saying to us.
5. Read a page out of devotional or book that you are reading together. Then discuss it from the standpoint of how you related or identify with what is being read. Do not mention one word about the other person. This is designed to help practice good communication skills. Staying with “I “statements. Do you notice when a person says “You….” a conversation immediately goes south! If there is an exercise to do in the book … do it together during that time together.
6. Is there anything you need to ask forgiveness for? Do some writing about the issue. Look at your part what you are responsible for. Be direct do not provide excuses or justifications. Simply take responsibility and ask for forgiveness. If you want to bring up a complaint or an issue …practice writing out what you want to say. Is it a complaint or is it a criticism? If it sounds more like a criticism, then there will be reactiveness.
7. Share prayer requests with each other. When one person shares the other person is writing that down. When you meet again then make notes about how God answered. You will develop a written history together of God working in your lives.
8. End with prayer.
Change or modify the above steps anyway that you want. Make this fit your needs, and what you would to happen in your lives. Nothing sacred about 30 minutes find to change that to an hour. The two of you decide. Some couples like doing this once per week and other couples modify the above and spend 15 minutes per week.
Here are a few suggested books. Find books or devotionals that would meet your needs.
1. Kosher Sex by Rabbi Boteach.
2. https://www.gottman.com/ Any of the books written by Dr Gottman. He has a researched base approach. You will learn practical skills that the successful marriages use.
3. https://www.boundariesbooks.com/ My friends Dr John Townsend and Dr Henry Cloud have been leaders in developing materials to help with boundaries. Choose a boundary book that meets your needs.
4. Drhenslin.com You will find my books on the brain helpful in understanding how to improve your overall brain and heart health. The Father -Son and Father -Daughter books are also helpful.
5. www.brainmd.com has a brain health assessment test and a list of books that have to do with the brain that are written by my friend Daniel Amen MD. If you buy any of his products use the code drhenslin21 for a discount.
6. CBG oil has been a great help if you are interested in learning more and possibly trying CALM or RECEPT click on the following link: www.drhenslin.primemybody.com . If you are taking medications be sure to talk with your prescribing MD about the addition of CBG oil.
7. “This is Your Brain in Love (Currently on Amazon for $1.99!) https://www.amazon.com/This-Your-Brain-Love-Breakthroughs/dp/0785228756
8. Gary Chapman wrote an excellent book every couple should read called the Five Love Languages. You can go to his site and take a free love languages test. You will get a pdf file that tells you what your love languages are. Both of you take the test, and spend one evening reading and discussing the love language test results. It is a wonderful test that helps you know what love means to your spouse, fiancé, boyfriend or girlfriend. Here is the link to the free test! https://www.5lovelanguages.com/
That is the news from Brea where all the women are strong, the men are good looking and the kids are above average! J
Sincerely,
Earl R. Henslin, Psy.D., B.C.E.T.S
LMFT14693
Board Certified Expert in Traumatic Stress
Diplomate in the American Academy of Traumatic Stress
Dr. Earl R Henslin is recognized as a national and international expert on the application of neuroscience to daily clinical treatment of depression, anxiety, traumatic brain injury, addictions, individual, marital and family problems. He has authored 10 books, and his two latest books (“This is Your Brain on Joy” and “This is Your Brain in Love”) reflect the past 25 years of using SPECT Scans and MRI’s to develop treatment strategies to help with the above-mentioned problems. In May of 2013 he was the plenary speaker at the 1st annual Interdisciplinary Conference on the Brain in Moscow, Russia. He spoke to 500-600 neurologists, psychiatrists, and psychologists on the application of brain imaging in the treatment of traumatic brain injury, addictions, depression, etc. He has been sworn in as an expert witness on PTSD and the brain in a medical malpractice trial in London, England, as an expert witness on the Neurological Aspects of Addictions and the Brain in a medical malpractice trial in Maryland, testified using SPECT and MRI findings at a criminal trial here in southern California. He has also testified using brain imaging and clinical evaluations in numerous civil and family law cases over his career. Dr. Henslin for 20 years taught the Addictions and the Brain course in the APA Clinical Psychology Program at Biola University, La Mirada, CA. He has taught continuing education courses to psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. on SPECT Brain Imaging, medication/supplement management in psychotherapy. Dr. Henslin has also consulted with drug rehabilitation centers here in southern CA and in Canada, helping programs integrate neuroscience principles into the treatment of drug, alcohol, and sexual addiction. He has appeared on hundreds of radio shows, and television programs communicating as a professional expert on matters concerning the brain and addictions. He and the therapists associated with him have made over 4000 referrals for SPECT Scans and MRI’s over the past 25 years. Henslin and Associates is one of the few outpatient practices that have extensive and on-going experience in the integration of neuroscience into daily clinical practice for medical issues, traumatic brain injury, and numerous practical clinical matters. He is a pioneer in Functional and Integrative Neuro-psychotherapy and Psychology. Dr Henslin is a founding member of I-SCAN an international organization of clinicians utilizing SPECT Brain Imaging.